The Thankful Project: Day 18 - A Choice

We make choices, day in and day out.  We make big decisions and decisions that are made without much thought and effort.

Today, the one decision that I’m thankful we made was to send McKenzie to an in-home daycare.  I’m thankful for Jen and the love that she’s shown my daughter for the past year and a half.
One of the biggest decisions that you make as a soon to be mom is whether you will return to work or stay home. For those of us who are not lucky enough to be able to stay home with their family, there's yet another decision - what daycare? Should I choose an in-home or a center? What's going to be best? I know this is a heated debate and there are strong opinions for both sides. That's not what this post is about. This post is about the decision I made for my family, which has turned out to be one of the best decisions I've made thus far!

We met Jen through a referral after our original daycare plans fell through.  Our spot was given to another family, a current family who recently told the director that they were expecting their second child.  I completely understood why this was happening, but as a planner and an emotional pregnant woman, I was devastated.  I had everything planned out and now it all seemed to be falling through.
That’s when we found Jen!  It’s hard to see it at the time, but everything works out exactly as it should.  We were referred to Jen by a friend of my sister’s.   We met with Jen at her house and I instantly liked her.  The house was immaculate – you would have never known she had crazy kids running around all day – and Jen was so warm and welcoming.

I hadn’t even had McKenzie yet, but I was anxious about having to go back to work.  There was just something about Jen.  I felt confident with her.  She has four amazing little boys of her own, so I knew instantly I could feel comfortable with her.  She knew what she was doing.

Daycare Crafts

My maternal instincts didn’t lie.  What started off as a typical daycare/parent relationship has evolved into a friendship.  McKenzie loves Jen and Jen has welcomed McKenzie into her family, as if she were one of her own.   I’ve grown to trust Jen.  Pick-up’s take longer these days, because a friendship has formed.  Jen fills me in on McKenzie’s day and then the conversation continues.  We’ve vented about things that have made us frustrated and have become each other’s sounding boards.  My words aren't doing this justice because I adore Jen and her entire family!

Throughout the past year and a half, she has been McKenzie's Mom away from Mom.  She has been comforting to McKenzie when necessary, has taught her so much and has even been tough when needed.  Time outs have occurred, but McKenzie has always learned her lesson.  Jen is everything that I could have hoped for!

McKenzie's first time-out

My heart hurts to know that McKenzie won’t be going to Jen’s after this summer.  McKenzie’s grandmother is retiring and going to watch her.  She’ll be spending part of her time at a preschool and part of the time with her Bibi (what McKenzie calls her).  I know this is good for McKenzie.  It will enable her to make all of the memories that I made when my grandparent’s watched me.   She will still be equally as loved and looked after (if not more…you know how grandmothers are!), but it’s a change, and change is never easy for me!  It will be a new routine, new drop off schedule, new location.  It’ll take a few weeks and we’ll find our new rhythm.  We’ll have a new normal.

We’re amazingly thankful that Bibi will be able to spend time with McKenzie, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that a big part of me will miss Jen.  She’s what I know.  She’s my resource and my friend.  The day I told Jen that McKenzie wouldn’t be returning next year, I sobbed like a baby.   I am dreading McKenzie’s last day with everything in me.

I know her new beginnings are going to be just as great, but I know that a huge piece of both of our hearts will be left with Jen.  We are thankful beyond words for her and the love that she’s shown our family.

Today, take the time to thank those who take care of your children when you can’t be there.  They are so important and are often taken for granted.

Words can’t express how grateful I am.

I’m linking up with Kenzie over at Chasing Happy for the month of November.
Be sure to stop by and check it out!

The Thankful Project: Day 17 - A Room

I thought long and hard about this post.  What room am I the most thankful for?  My bedroom?  A place of solace and rest.  The bathroom?  As a Mom, sometimes it's the only place that I can get away, and even then, I'm rarely alone.  Even with the door shut and locked, I see little hands under the door and the constant, "Ma...Ma...Ma".  Hilarious, yet frustrating.  Although not a room, am I thankful for my car and the quiet time I spend in it thinking about life during my commute to and from work?   The dining room?  A place that our family gathers to recap our day.

The more I thought about it, there's not one particular room that I'm thankful form.  The ones that I am thankful for are the rooms that are filled with family and friends.  The location and room may change, but the togetherness, the silliness, and the love are the things that make me thankful.

I talked about my feelings on family and being together, here.  Pretty much sums it up!
I'm thankful for any room, as long as it's filled with love and the chance to make little, every day memories.

I’m linking up with Kenzie over at Chasing Happy for the month of November.
Be sure to stop by and check it out!

The Thankful Project: Day 16 - Something You Own

What is it that I own that I’m thankful for????...I just couldn't decide.  To me, this thankful seemed so materialistic.  There are many things that I’m thankful I own.  I am thankful that we own our house.  We worked hard to get it.  It reminds me to continue to work hard.    I am thankful for my car.  It allows me to get to work safely each day, so I can continue to do the job that allows us to live in our house.   I am thankful for my wedding rings.  That when I look at my hand, I am reminded of our love and commitment
I’m thankful for all of these things, but the thing that I am ultimately most thankful for is this…
I am thankful that I own my actions.  That I own the right to decide what’s best for me.  That I am becoming stronger each day in standing up for myself and not allowing myself to be treated badly.  I continue to discover my voice and my strength each day and I’m really thankful for that.

What do I mean by this?  Prior to a few year ago, I let people walk all over me.  I was in horrible friendships that I was taken advantage of.  I was taken for granted.  I did things that made others happy, often forgetting about what made me happy.  I was a peacekeeper. Even if something bothered me, I internalized it and never spoke up.

Well, something has changed.  I have grown and developed a different kind of strength.  One that I’m sure I've always had, but never knew how to voice.

Don’t’ get me wrong, I am still a peacekeeper more often than not.  I avoid drama at all cost and never look for a fight.  I am at a point in my life where I don’t need that.  There’s just so much more to life!  Yet recently, I've started standing up for myself.  When someone hurts me, treats me bad, or walks all over me, I tell them!  No longer am I silent.

I believe in forgiveness and second chances, but when someone hurts me repeatedly, I've learned to walk away.  That’s it’s okay to cut ties.  I've learned that you don’t need something so toxic in your life.
I’m thankful I own the right to decide what’s best for me.  I’m thankful that I've found my voice. I’m thankful that I’m making positive decisions for me.

What are you thankful for?

I’m linking up with Kenzie over at Chasing Happy for the month of November.
Be sure to stop by and check it out!

The Thankful Project: Day 15 - An Annoyance

I'm sorry vs. I Apologize...

I recently was greeted by an email when my alarm sounded at 5 a.m.  It was from an employee that was upset and irate with another employee.   She wanted me to be aware.  She wanted me to mediate.
The scheduling worked out and they were both able to meet on the same day.  I sat them down and we discussed the issue and the altercation that occurred in front of fellow staff members the night prior.  I felt as though it was a good discussion and it ended well.  Side note:  I always get nervous when I have to mediate.  I know it's something I need to get over as a manager, but it just doesn't get easier for me.  
There was a phase though that stuck with me throughout the entire meeting.  Each party kept saying, "I apologize...Yea, I know I was wrong...I apologize...I see where you are coming from...I apologize".  Those words stuck with me.  I apologize. 

I found myself wondering if each party was really sorry.  It's easy to say I apologize, but harder to say, I'm sorry.

It made me think about times that I've been wrong and needed to apologize.  Do I do the same thing?  I know that when Brian and I have upset one another, he is infamous for saying, "I'm sorry I made you mad." Let me be clear - that's not an apology.  If I could rewrite the sentence, what I believe he's saying is, "Sorry you're a hormonal, mean, awful woman today and that everything I do upsets you."  It's not an I'm sorry.  Normally, it makes me even more upset.  I'm thankful that this doesn't happen often in our house.

I don't know what made me hone in on this, but it stuck with me.  I will be more cognizant of my word choices.  Besides working hard to avoid circumstances in which I need to apologize, I will work even harder when I do make a mistake - to take ownership for what I've done wrong and to say...I'm sorry.

It means so much more.

I’m linking up with Kenzie over at Chasing Happy for the month of November.
Be sure to stop by and check it out!

The Thankful Project: Day 14 - A Blessing

You know how when you've lost a loved one, you search for signs that they’re still with you?  You hold on to those memories tightly, but during special events or times of uneasiness, you search for signs that they are there and that you are making the right decision?  Maybe it’s just me, but I believe in those signs.  It’s really such a blessing to feel so connected to those who have gone before us. I’m so thankful for these blessings.

After my grandfather died in 2004, any time I thought about him or missed him, I would see a yellow butterfly.  I laughed it off, but deep down inside thought of this as his special way of communicating to me.  That he was missing me too.

Well when my grandmother died a few years later, I would always see two butterflies.  Two little yellow butterflies together.  It was my sign that my grandmother and grandfather had been reunited, yet still wanted me to remember them.  Call it coincidence, but any time I am thinking about them, contemplating life, or wondering if I am making a good decision, I always see them.  It’s an assurance that I’m doing the right thing and that everything is okay.  I love my little sign that they are still here with me.

It’s not just me that thinks this either.  Brian’s grandmother passed away a few weeks after we were married.  She was on hospice for a week or two.  The nurses kept warning us that the time was coming that she would pass, but she didn't.  This went on for a few days.

She did eventually pass, on a cloudy, overcast, gloomy day.   The setting outside was perfect for how we were feeling inside.  Shortly after she passed, the skies cleared and there was a rainbow.  My husband’s whole family joked that it was her sign to us that she had made it to heaven.

Even on special events, she’s still with us.  There was a rainbow on the one year anniversary of her passing and even at my sister-in-law’s wedding.  The wedding was in Florida and a storm was moving in right before the ceremony.  Again, the skies cleared just in time for the pictures and the ceremony.  What was captured in the picture below is truly amazing.  Granny Irene was there with Erin on her wedding day as well!

I miss our grandparents.  I miss the holidays with them around.  I miss the fact that they aren’t here to celebrate the new ways that our family has grown.  Yet, I am thankful beyond words for the little blessings we experience that let us know that they are here with us!

I’m linking up with Kenzie over at Chasing Happy for the month of November.
Be sure to stop by and check it out!

The Thankful Project: Day 13 - An Ability

This was a tough one for me.  I struggled and even Googled abilities that others were thankful for.  Many were thankful for the ability to run, walk, the ability to see, the ability to taste. None of those jumped out at me.  Although I am thankful for all of the above, I’m most thankful for my ability to feel and to feel deeply.
I work at a hospital.  I see miracles, but I also see the sadness that sickness can bring.  I talk to the patients.  I talk to their families.  I learn about their lives.  I listen to their stories and I feel.  I feel deeply.

One patient vividly sticks out in my memory.  She was an older lady who had been on and off of our unit a few times throughout the course of the year.  I had spoken to her on previous visits so we knew each other.
This particular visit was extra hard for her.  Her daughter, who was in her 30’s, died suddenly.  She was in the hospital and very ill, so the doctors would not allow her to leave for the funeral.  She was heart-broken.  I was heart-broken for her.  I can’t imagine losing a child.  I can’t imagine not being able to be there for the funeral.    She just kept saying that she felt like she didn’t have closure.  My heart hurt for her.

I am big at thinking outside of the box.  Although our hospital didn’t have anything in place to help, like a computer or I-Pad, I did.  I reached out to the patient’s other daughter and voiced how I would like to help.  I said that we could Skype with my phone so that she could be a part of the funeral.  She needed that closure.  The daughter was blown away that someone wanted to help in that way.

I gave the daughter my cell phone number. She was going to check to see who had a way to Skype with me.  The next day, the Church’s pastor called me.  He had an I-pad that he was going to let a family member use for the service. Prayers had been answered.

The next morning, I knocked on the patient’s door and went in.  I informed her of what we were able to work out and called the pastor.  Everything worked perfectly and the patient was able to be a part of her daughter’s funeral.   I asked if she wanted me to leave, so that she could be alone.  I wasn’t sure if it was too personal for a stranger to be there with her.  She grabbed my hand, smiled at me and said…you are my only family I have.  Please stay.

I sat with her for an hour.  I held her hand the entire time.  She cried and I cried.  I didn’t know her daughter, but I cried.  I felt the pain that she was feeling - the pain of losing a loved one, of being trapped at a hospital, a feeling of helplessness.

I haven‘t seen the patient since, but I think of her often.  I wonder how she is doing.  I wonder if she remembers that moment. It’s a moment that I will never forget.

I am thankful for the ability to feel deeply.  It allows me to connect with others.  It compels me to action.  It helps me empathize.   It’s something that I’m so thankful for!

What's an ability that you’re thankful for?

I’m linking up with Kenzie over at Chasing Happy for the month of November.
Be sure to stop by and check it out!

The Thankful Project: Day 12 - An Opportunity

I’m linking up with Kenzie over at Chasing Happy for the month of November.
Be sure to stop by and check it out!

I've been given so many opportunities in my life. Opportunities that I succeeded at, excelled at and made those who gave me the opportunity proud.  I've had opportunities that I've missed, failed, or given up on.  Through all of life's successes and failures, the opportunity that I'm most thankful for is the one to be a Mom.
I'm going to pause and be real here for a moment. For years prior to wanting children, I would often find myself praying that I wasn't pregnant. The timing wasn't right, our life wasn't where I wanted it to be and we just weren't ready. Then something changes. You decide you are ready to start a family and then you find yourself praying that you are able to conceive. You worry that you won't be able to. You drive yourself crazy!

And then it happens! God blesses you with the gift a child. You find out you are pregnant and life instantly changes. From the first nauseous feeling to the kicks, heartburn, sleepless nights and being downright uncomfortable, you are a Mom.

Then the most perfect little girl is born. Your world changes for the better. You experience a love like you've never experienced before.

I am thankful beyond words for the opportunity to be a Mom. To lead my daughter by teaching her - through words and actions. To watch her grow. To support her through life. To be tough when necessary, yet always her friend.

I know that our relationship will evolve over the years. There will come a time where we are not friends at all. Yet I know, there will come a day that she will need me. When she becomes a Mom herself and realizes that every single action was done from a place of love and worry.

I also know that one day I will grow old and need her.  Life will come full circle.

I pray every day that I am succeeding as a Mom.  That I teach her what she needs to know, that I spend enough time with her, that I focus on her, that I don't lose my temper and that I have more patience.
It's easy for us Mom's to lose sight of how much we do right in our day.  It's easy for us to focus on what we've done wrong.  I'm sure many of you have seen this already, but for those who haven't...watch it.  It's a good reminder that even when we are judging our successes and failures as Mom's, that in our children's eyes...we're doing alright!

A New Perspective For Moms from Elevation Church on Vimeo.

I thank God every day for the opportunity to be this little girl's Mom.  There truly aren't even words to describe it.