There's Just Something...

So I'm not sure what it is...but there's just something about the connection between a mother and a daughter.

I know this is true, because I have this connection with my mom. I've seen it develop and evolve. I've seen it become stronger than I could have ever imagined. Simply put, I'm just not sure what I would do without my mom.

I always hoped and prayed that if I ever had a daughter, that we would have the same connection. I just had no idea that it would happen and be so strong early on.

We've been struggling on the sleep front in our house. It's a battle to get her to sleep and some nights, she just doesn't want to stay asleep.

Last week was a particularly rough week. Wednesday night, McKenzie went to sleep perfectly. I rocked her and put her down and all was well. Brian left for night shift, so it was just her and I. At about 1 a.m., the night from hell happened. She woke up and came to her door. She was calling for me. I went in and got her. I rocked her and sat with her and she went back to sleep...for 20 minutes. Then she was up again. I tried all of the tactics I knew.  I made sure she had a clean diaper. She wasn't acting like she was in pain or not feeling well, but I checked her temperature anyway. Perfectly normal. She wasn't hungry or thirsty.

She just wanted to be awake.

And awake she was from 1 until 5 a.m. Just her and I. I was not happy. I begged and pleaded for her to sleep. It just wasn't happening. She wanted to talk and ask questions and babble. I ended up breaking my cardinal rule and brought her in to bed with me. She continued to lay there and talk until 5 a.m. I was so frustrated, but I was able to get a few minutes of sleep until my alarm went off at 5:40. Awesome. I just knew Thursday was going to be a great day...

I trudged through work and dealt with situations that tried my absolute patience. The end of the day came and I packed up to go home. I made it! I figured that Kenzie would have been so tired that she would have slept a lot at daycare. I arrived and asked how her day was...to which I received the response, "She fought nap hard, but eventually gave in". What was this child's aversion to sleep!!?!?!?!?!?!

We drove home and had a nice evening together. Brian and I had a discussion about how we needed to get out of the habit of me rocking her to sleep each night, because it wasn't good for her and won't be good for me if we end up getting pregnant again. I agreed, but know McKenzie. Things have to be gradual with her. She doesn't handle change well and abrupt and sudden change rocks her world. You'd think her Dad would understand this, since he is the exact same way, but sometimes the straight forwardness of being a police officer blinds him!

We started the bedtime routine and tried reading to her while she was in bed. She fought that. Then we tried reading to her while she sat in my lap on the floor. We wanted to remove the rocker from the situation because she associates that with being rocked to sleep. Well...she wouldn't even let us read to her on the floor. She kept going to the chair and pointing and saying, "Here. Here. Here", in the most pitiful little voice. She was breaking my heart.

At this point, she's was overly tired and screaming, I was exhausted. Brian and I were quietly fighting. We just weren't sure what the best way to handle the situation was. After many dirty looks to one another, we finally determined that this was not the night to break a routine. Everyone was exhausted and he was leaving for work. I rocked her to sleep. She slept through the night. Thank the Lord!

It was what happened in those moments after I started rocking that caught me off guard.  It was in that moment that I felt our connection was stronger than ever.

Overly tired and frustrated, I sobbed as I rocked her to sleep. I wasn't sure how to break her of this, but I knew just putting her in the bed wasn't the answer. I sat rocking and crying...the really ugly, can't catch your breath, sobs kind of cry.

As I was crying, Kenzie reaching up and said, "Mama...Mama" with more concern in her voice that I have ever heard from her. She rubbed my cheek and just kept saying, "Mama sad. Mama sad". She kept leaning in to kiss me. Then it happened - the moment that made me sob even harder - she reached for my hand and held it as tight as she could. She pulled it towards her, kissed it and then drifted off to sleep, all while holding my hand tighter than she ever has before.

My sobs lessened and I looked at my little girl. The tears still streamed, though now for a different reason. It was in that moment that I realized, we get one another. She gets me and I get her. She knows my heart and I know hers. We have a connection that is strong and different.  She is my girl.

I know there will come a time when we are warring and not the best of friends. My mom and I went through it. I know it will happen. I also know that most of our fights will come from the fact that we are so similar. She is my heart and soul and I thank God every day for the connection that I have with her.

Sleep's been great since and we've started transitioning...little by little. She's not fighting it nearly as much and we'll get there. We'll take baby steps and we'll get there. I know this. I know my girl.