The Thankful Project: Day 6 - A Failure

See those girls above?  Those girls….they are my failure.

They are my best friends from college.  They were the girls I did everything with.  The girls I could always count on – through the countless nights out at a bar and for the crazy moments that life can throw at you.
I’m not necessarily thankful for this failure, but I do believe you learn from each mistake you make.
So how are these girls my failure?

I've failed them and our friendship.  I've failed by not keeping in touch, by letting life get in the way, by going way too long between phone calls, and visits and by not making more effort.

None of these girls and I ever had a falling out.  We never had a fight or a moment that ended it all.  We just grew apart.  We moved to different towns and states. Some married, while others have not.   Life.  It got in the way.  The trips to visit each other became increasingly harder.  The phone calls to keep in touch dwindled.  A constant game of phone tag.

Yes, we still know the goings-on’s of each other’s lives thanks to Facebook and I still love all of them dearly, but it’s just not the same.

I guess that’s life.  People are in your life for only a finite amount of time.  Then life shifts and you move and those people - they still remain, but as memories.
I just can’t help feeling guilty.  As if I’ve failed them.  As if I somehow should have done more, tried harder, talked more, called more.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of them. I’m a bad friend and I know I could have done more.

So why am I thankful for this failure?  It's forced me to realize that I need to stop making excuses.  To reconnect.  That it’s never too late.  Over the next few weeks, I am going to call each of them.  To chat about life, to catch up, to make the attempt.

And you know what’s crazy?  It will be as though we hadn't missed a beat.  We’ll pick up right where we left off and laugh until we cry.

Isn't that a failure worth being thankful for?

I'm linking up with Kenzie over at Chasing Happy for the month of November.Be sure to stop by and check it out!

The Thankful Project: Day 5 - A Talent You Have

I am good at a lot of things, but nothing more so than the other.  I don’t have any quirky talents.  I am not a record holder of any title.  The thing I am good at comes naturally to me.  Others marvel at how I do it.
I’m thankful that, even in the worst circumstances, I am able to hold it all together.  I take a step back and look at what needs to be done.  If I don’t know how to do it, I look it up, I Google it, I figure it out.
That is my talent.  I hold it all together.  I know it doesn't seem like much, but it has helped me immensely in more than one circumstance.

When my sister was in the hospital, I became everyone’s rock.  I asked the questions that no one else thought to ask, I came up with lists of what needed to be done, I obtained access to my sister’s accounts and made sure that her bills were paid, and I worked hard to keep it all together – for everyone’s sake.
Although I’m great at keeping it together, it doesn't mean that it doesn't affect me.  If you ask Brian how many countless nights I cried on the way home, cried in his lap, cried going to bed….just cried in general, he would answer EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.  You know what?  I woke up the next morning and trudged through the challenges that the next day would bring.  I did what needed to be done each day and knew that I had the evenings to let it all go.

I know it’s not that great of a talent.  I can’t touch my nose with my tongue or wiggle my ears, but what I can do is to keep it together - to be the voice of reason, to be the calm in the storm.
I’m not sure how useful of a talent it is, but it works for me!    What is a talent that you have that you’re thankful for?

I'm linking up with Kenzie over at Chasing Happy for the month of November.Be sure to stop by and check it out!

The Thankful Project: Day 4 - An Experience

It sounds awful to say this, but I’m thankful for my sister’s AVM and stroke.  I know it sounds awful to say that, but it’s true.

I’m not thankful that she had to have such a traumatic experience for an otherwise routine procedure.  I am not thankful or happy that she had to endure so much pain and had to work so hard to regain her strength.  I am thankful though however for what that experience did to our relationship.

Growing up, my sister and I were not close.  We fought more often than not!  When you would ask my mom what she wanted for her Birthday, Christmas or Mother’s Day, she would reply – “For you two to get along!”.   We were polar opposites.  If I said the sky was blue, Jessica would say it was pink – just to be different.  I was neat and always organized…and she…was a hot mess!

We tolerated each other more the older that we got, but the experience that changed it all was her hospitalization. It was during this time that we realized we’re more alike than we could ever imagine and that we truly are the best of friends.

Early on in her hospital stay, she was intubated and couldn't speak.  For parts of the day, she would be alert.  It was during those times, that she tried to communicate with us.  She would motion that she wanted something to write and then she would scribble away.  She’s a lefty, so her handwriting is often hard to read on a good day, but due to her hands being restrained (so she wouldn't pull the breathing tube out) and the high-powered medications she was on, her writing was often illegible.  She would scribble and adamantly point at what she had written.   At first, no one could figure out what she was saying.  Her frustration grew.  We never got full thoughts, but rather words and short phrases.  I was in the room one day as she motioned to write.  Here is what I saw:

Feel like I'm choking...Cough

When can tube come out. I bit my tongue...something to put on it. The anesthesiologist said that when...

Can I roll over. I'm thirsty. I feel like I have something stuck in my throat.

I began guessing what she was trying to say.  She was so excited and kept giving thumbs up that someone finally understood.  That was the start of it all. She continued to communicate - that she had bills that were due and was worried about them not being paid.  Through chicken-scratch and a game that was similar to charades, I was able to obtain her log-on’s to all of her websites and to pay her bills.  I wanted her to have one less thing to worry about and she was so worried that it would affect her credit.

Eventually, the breathing tube came out, she was able to talk, and she was able to voice her concerns.  I don’t know if she felt a sense of security in me because I worked at the hospital she was treated at, but our relationship blossomed.  I was her advocate and she trusted me.  She asked me things she didn’t understand and what the next steps would be.

Kenzie visiting to make her feel better

As she transitioned to rehab, I would stop by her room each morning to find out her rehab schedule.  I would pop down and be there for each of her PT sessions and saw the progression - from learning to stand, to walking a few steps, to walking and running on a treadmill.  I was there with her each step of the way and each day, our relationship grew stronger.

I don’t know what we wasted all of these years fighting, because we’re more alike than we’ve ever realized.  Since the stroke and AVM, our relationship has continued to grow.  She is truly an inspiration to me and I am so lucky to have her as my sister.

She asked me a few weeks ago to be her maid of honor.  The wedding date isn’t set and I know I still have time, but I can’t help but think about the type of toast I will give.  I know one thing…I won’t be able to get through it without tears.

I'm linking up with Kenzie over at Chasing Happy for the month of November.Be sure to stop by and check it out!

The Thankful Project: Day 3 - A Place

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Not exactly what our Thanksgiving table looks like, but close! I'll update with pictures after Thanksgiving this year!

It’s pretty clear that this is my favorite time of year! Have a mentioned it enough for you?! If I haven’t, it is!  It’s the holidays, time with our families and memories made that make this time – the time from the beginning of Fall to the New Year - the best time for me.

I put a lot of thought into this response.  Am I most thankful for a place in my house, a place in my childhood home, or a place that I visit to find solace and peace? As my mind wandered, the reoccurring image that I could see was the Thanksgiving table at my Aunt’s house.  It’s been a tradition for years…really for as long as I can remember.    My entire family gathers together, typically about 40 or so of us.  We all cram in to my Aunt’s beautifully decorate dining room.  There is a huge banquet table that fits a majority of the family, along with two separate tables for those who need to sit in overflow and the children’s table.

If you were a fly on the wall, you would see a frantic scramble to find the perfect seat – next to your favorite cousin or Aunt – the person that you would spend the majority of the meal talking to.  You would see a frenzied pace of people trying to find their spot, while others squeeze by - trying to deliver piping hot dishes of goodness to the buffet.  It’s a true feast in every sense of the word.  The table is ornately decorated, the place settings are perfect.  Depending on the year, there may even be place cards, created with love by the youngest members of our family.

Once everyone finds their seat, my Uncle reads a prayer.  It’s always a moving prayer, reminding us of those we should be thankful for, those who are no longer with us and those we miss so much.  We haven’t done this in previous years, because the gathering has grown so large, but after the prayer we would often go around the table and each of us would say what we were thankful for.  It was an unspoken competition between the cousins to see which one of our responses could get the Aunt’s to cry first.  Clearly, my emotional self has strong roots in an emotional family.   All joking aside, it was always nice to hear what each of us was thankful for and to watch our priorities change over the years.

After a delicious meal, the kids go outside to play.  The men watch football.  The women clean up.  No one minds their assigned tasks, because we are all doing it together.   The rest of the evening is spent chatting, until dessert is served.  Sometimes a game is played.  Sometimes conversation continues.  Throughout the entire evening, I find myself stopping to take mental pictures – of the people, of the togetherness, of the love that we all share.

Although this may be the place that I am most thankful for, it represents so much more.  I’m thankful for something so much greater – the gift of a loving family, of the time we spend together, the closeness of it, the feeling of it, the joys that we share, the jokes that we make.  The dining room table at my Aunt’s house on Thanksgiving is just a symbol for what we should appreciate each and every day of the year – a caring and loving family, warm food to nourish us, being together, sharing experiences, and being thankful that we are all there each year to share it together.  

I’m thankful beyond words for that.

I'm linking up with Kenzie over at Chasing Happy for the month of November.Be sure to stop by and check it out!

The Thankful Project: Day 2 - A Role You've Played

I'm linking up with Kenzie over at Chasing Happy for the month of November.Be sure to stop by and check it out!

As I’ve mentioned in my very first posting ever on this blog, my 25 year-old sister suffered a stroke when undergoing surgery for an AVM located on her brain.

We have a large family, as well as an abundance of extended family and friends that all wanted and needed to be kept informed of changes with Jessica and her condition.

Not long after I received the horrible news, I realized that we were going to need a way to share information.  There was no way my Mom and Dad could handle those phone calls, retelling the same story and the same information again and again.

Thank goodness for technology! Over the next month, I updated Jessica’s Caring Bridge site daily for our loved ones.  Some days they were full of information and other days, it reported the status quo.  Some days there were significant changes and others, there were set-backs.

The one thing I am thankful for during this time was the ability to play the role of Blogger/Informant.  It kept our family updated and helped to alleviate some of the “How is she doing?” calls.   Those calls still came, but not in the abundance that they would have if everyone was kept in the dark about her condition.

I’m also thankful that it provided me an outlet.  I was able to hold it together at the hospital, but the Caring Bridge site provided me an outlet to vent -to give the updates, to type, to let it go, to get it off of my chest.

I’m thankful that it provided us with a journal and history of her progress.  It’s amazing to look back and see how far she has come.  How even in the midst of the days were there wasn’t much progress, that there were still small miracles.   On her one year anniversary this past August, I had a book created for her from all of the updates and everyone’s posts and warm wishes.    Although it’s not something that she’ll read every day, she now has a printed version to remind her of how far she has come.

I’m thankful for the site because it provided not only Jessica, but our entire family, the encouragement, support, and strength we needed during such a difficult time!  The words that were written on those pages are also written on our hearts forever.

Most of all, I’m thankful that we’ve got such a positive story to tell - one that includes a recently passed drivers test and the ability for her to have her freedom again!  A story that includes a new engagement and wedding planning!  One that makes me so proud and so happy to have played a role in such an amazing story.

The Thankful Project: Day 1 - A Person

I'm linking up with Kenzie over at Chasing Happy for The Thankful Project.  For the next 28 days, each posting will be a response to a gratitude prompt that Kenzie provides.  Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, so what better way to remember how incredibly blessed I am, than by deliberately writing and focusing on all that I have to be thankful for.

Ironically enough, I've been wanting to do a post about the person I am most thankful for, for quite some time.  I keep trying to find the right words or even the right time.  What better time than now!? Although many people in my life could hold this title, Brian, my husband, is who I am thankful for - day in and day out.

I could write a novel about what I am thankful for him, but I'll start with a few:

I'm thankful because...

He loves me for me.  Through all of my faults, failures, imperfections, and moods.  He pushes me when necessary, yet gives me the space I need.  He reminds me that I'm not always right and helps me to see different perspectives.  He loves me for me, even though I'm not always easy to love.

He helped us become a family.  He gave me the gift of not only being an incredible partner, best friend and husband, but also that of being an amazing father to McKenzie.  He loves with all of his heart, even when his little girl (like her Mom), is not always the easiest to love.

He works so incredibly hard.  He doesn't have an easy job.  He often sees the worst of the worst. Even when his normal shifts and ever-changing schedule would be too much for most people, he works more.  He works overtime, not because we need it to survive, but because he wants to be able to provide for us.  He wants us to be able to live a life.  A life that is debt free and financially secure.  A life that allows us to do things that wouldn't otherwise be possible.  A life that he works so hard for.

He is our security.  He is our safety.  Any situation seems bearable  with him by our side.  That regardless of how it turns out, we're going to be okay.  He's going to keep us safe.  He is going to make sure that we are protected.

He's shared his life with me.  We've been together 11 years in January.  It hasn't always been perfect, but it's always been good.  Eleven years isn't an eternity, but it's enough time - to know his past. To remember the stories. To be a part of his life. To gain another family.  A family that accepted me in as if I were one of their own.  A family that I love deeply and am thankful for everything they do for us.   A family that he's chosen to share with me.

He is witty and funny.  At all times.  Even the times that I'm frustrated with his humor - when I need him to be serious.   He can make people laugh like none other.  He can lighten the mood of any situation. He is our rock, yet also our clown!

He chose me.  That I'm the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.  That I'm the one he chose to start a family with. That I'm the one that will be by his side as we watch our children grow.  That I'm that one that will grow old next to him. That I'm the one that was lucky enough to call him mine.

He is our rock and I am thankful beyond words for every day that I get to spend with him.

Feel the Love

Courtney over at Sweet Turtle Soup was super sweet and nominated me for the Liebster Award. Thank you so much! It was very sweet of you and I'm glad that you thought of me! Stop over and check out Courtney! Her blog is amazing!

The Rules

1. Thank the blogger that nominated you.

2. Answer the questions given by the blogger who nominated you.

3. Nominate 5-11 bloggers with fewer than 200 followers and give them questions to answer.

1. What is a baby name that was at the top of your list, but your husband just hated?
Noah. Oh how I love that name! Maybe it’s from my days of watching ER and Noah Wyle or maybe because every Noah I know is always cute, but he was adamantly against it. We didn't live on an Ark. Our boy was not going to be named Noah. Good thing we didn't have a boy, so it wasn't too much of a sticking point.

2. What is your favorite pizza topping?
Onions and Green Peppers

3. Do you vacation to relax or to adventure? And, where would you go?
I always say that I go to relax, but after a day or two of lounging and relaxing, I find myself getting antsy. We normally end up finding adventures!  My dream vacation is Fiji. A girl can dream!

4. Do you holiday shop ahead of time or last-minute?
I always try to shop ahead and will for a few of the gifts, but ultimately will still be running around a week before Christmas picking up odds and ends.

5. If you could try any career in the world for a month which would you choose and why?
This was the hardest one to answer. I would have to say a surgeon. The ability to be skilled at what you do and to help people, plus make lots of money!

6. Do you prefer to shop online or in person?
Recently, it’s been online and I have to admit, it’s much easier! Not only because of a little toddler, but also because you don’t have to deal with the occasional rude shopper.

7. What is the most surprising thing about motherhood?
That it’s easier than I thought. Don’t get me wrong…it’s still hard. Like pull your hair out, what am I doing kind of hard. But for as hard as it is, it’s easy to overcome the obstacles. As a mother, you know your child the best. You trust your instincts, you read your child, you adapt to the situation, you grow and move on.   It’s remembering to take those deep breaths and a step back when you are in the heat of the moment that’s the hard part.

8. If you could live anywhere where would you?
I need beaches and warm weather, so somewhere on the West Coast?  I’d even go cooler and try Denver, Colorado, since they always top the list of happiest places to live.  I’d like to see if it’s true and what it is that makes them so happy!

9. Complete this sentence: "Never have I ever..."
Been to a Dave Matthews Concert.  I’ve had tickets and the opportunity to go twice in my life. Life always gets in the way and I end up having something that is more important than a concert. Maybe third time’s a charm?

10. Take the Jung Typology test. Do you think the results fit you?
Dead on! My results showed ENFJ – Extravert, Intuitive, Feeling and Judging. The Trademark for this profile is “The First Shall be Last”. It states that people with this profile have tremendous charisma and phenomenal interpersonal skills. We believe in our dreams and see ourselves as helpers and enablers. We see the big picture and can juggle an amazing number of responsibilities or projects simultaneously. This profile is associated with organization and decisiveness. We also know how to appreciate people and are likely to neglect our own needs for the needs of others.

You can read the full profile here: http://typelogic.com/enfj.html

11. What are you most looking forward to before we ring in 2014?
All of the coming holidays and spending time with family! This is truly my favorite time of year and it’s even more special because Kenzie is at such a fun age!

Nominations:
Amanda at Making Sure to Laugh
Heather at A Mix of 6Carrie at Huggies and HeelsMarie at Candidly MarieElise at Cheers Y'AllCaitlin at Mrs. Mid-Atlantic

Questions:

1.  Gold or silver?
2.  What is your favorite candy?
3.  Best book you’ve read recently.4.  Link and/or photo of a handbag that you are currently coveting.5.  A sentence or two describing a happy memory from your childhood.6.  Three favorite online shopping websites.7.  Something that you learned recently.8.  Beauty product you can’t live without.9.  A pet peeve.10.  What is your favorite season of the year?